Porqué No Entiendes a Las Mujeres

Por Dan Santiago

Una mujer te dirá una cosa, luego hará todo lo contrario.

Puedes sentarla y ser muy muy lógico y articulado sobre por qué ella no debería estar con cierto tipo de hombre debido a los comportamientos de este tipo de hombre.

Ella incluso estará de acuerdo contigo y con todos los puntos que nombraste.


Pero, sin importar tu argumento impecable, ella volverá con el mismo “tipo” de hombre una y otra vez.

¿Por qué?

Porque no entiendes su mente.

No entiendes los patrones básicos que realmente toman sus decisiones.

No entiendes que esas decisiones no se toman conscientemente, solo las justifica conscientemente.

No entiendes lo inútil que es tu lógica e intentas DE VERDAD convencerla.

No entiendes que esos hombres están comunicando la secuencia exacta de patrones emocionales mejor que otros hombres.

No entiendes que esas emociones SIEMPRE dictarán su supervivencia, por lo tanto, los hombres con los que ella esté.

No entiendes que la publicidad usa este conocimiento.


Es por eso que ella se queja de él y vuelve a él o sale con el mismo cuento.

Es por eso que intentas convencerla de que estaría mejor con un “buen” tipo como tú, y ella todavía duerme con el “perdedor” y te deja con las ganas.

Por eso se quejará y se quejará de los hombres, porque sigue volviendo al mismo tipo sin saber que en realidad es un patrón de su supervivencia, que se repetite de la misma manera.

Así que conscientemente evitas la responsabilidad por un patrón inconsciente.

Y aquí encontrarás cosas como …

“Ya no hay hombres de verdad”.

“Merezco ser tratado como una reina”.

“Los hombres solo quieren una cosa”.

“Los hombres ya no son como los de antes”

“¿Por qué siempre salgo con los mismos perdedores?” (culpa de los hombres)

Todo lo que puedo decir es que, si te importa, te recomiendo que dediques el resto de tu vida, o una parte importante, a captar su mente.

Si supieras la verdad, nunca volverías a actuar igual …

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How To Achieve Sexual Tension Mastery (EASILY)

Masters of sexual tension

By Dan Santiago

Why Sexual Tension Mastery?

In seduction, the word attraction get thrown around all the time…

That you need to spark it, create it…

yet attraction is only part of the process…

It might not even be the most important one.

When you want to close the deal, whatever deal you want with the woman you are with, you have to do just one thing…

And one thing only…

Thinking it about it… it may be the only thing that you need to really “get”

That thing will enable her to release her hidden side… that devil-woman that lives inside her… that she only let’s loose to just certain kind of man

That trait is required in all relationships, every step of the way. It might not be necessary all the time but it definitely in the most crucial moments…

But before I tell what that is… you need to understand something:

You can hurt people if you do this wrong.

If you are just centered on your own “male validation” and want to just f**k around you will hurt women in the end…

So you have to be “ethical” and aware with the way you use this.

If you want to have an awesome relationship and be able to close all the women you come across with, you have to be a master to handle tension…

Tension is THE emotion… it’s the volume knob of woman’s sexual brain…

And you must be the f**king orchestral director of the tension between you two…

You have to know to create it, how to transition from a joke-fun conversation to her saying to you “I want you to take me now” and how to let it flow and let her melt in post-orgasmic release.

Tension mastery is needed even with other males… as in nobody even thinks of f**king with you.

Status is fine, but intimidation will always triumph…

Being able to create and mold tension will in fact increase status…

The good news… is easy as f**k

Over the next days I’ll be sharing the five pillars of Tension Mastery…

The first one of the pillars is in the comments. See you there.

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Always Do This When Approaching Women V

By Dan Santiago

You want to relax…  have a great time and meet lots of new lovers every time you go out, but when you get too attached to that or any outcome, it will show on the way you speak, and on the way you present yourself. It will sub communicate neediness, and that’ll fvck up your game.

Screen Shot 2017-01-25 at 23.23.07It’s just an interaction, there’s nothing else to it. And that’s practice too.

Practice the non-attachment. She may be the hottest girl you’ve seen, but the more you get attached to the outcome ( her number, her pvssy, her lips, how amazingly hot she is ) the more you lose your power.

Practice YOUR immediate reaction to approaching.

No doubts, just go and approach.

Sometimes she will challenge you. She’ll see you all  awesome, spreading charm and masculine sensuality all over the place.

So she, or one of her friends, will test you.

A Shit test. To see if all they’re seeing is congruent with the real you which is about to come afloat.

When a women shit tests you, it’s good because you caught her attention… she’s attracted… and women will always want to filter potential prospects… hence her shit tests.

Your best response to this is:

1.-Be non reactive – Completely ignore her comment and proceed with what you are there for. To have fun, to be playful and challenging, and with a SELECTOR MINDSET. If she keeps on going to the same test, bouncing back, you keep on ignoring her test. Do not ignore her, ignore her test.

2.-Challenge her back – meaning that if she says something about how much of a player you are, you could say … we’ll what else do you like about me. Whatever bitchy or annoying or disrespectful remark … ok, next time I’ll give you a time out.

You can push the envelope and say to her “next time I’ll spank you“, but that will depend, not on the fact you just met her, but on the context of the conversation… remember context is everything.  And that’s it, on approaching.

Screen Shot 2017-01-25 at 23.46.16Remember, calibrate and …

Practice Practice Practice.

And have FUN always. Women are part of the fun of being a man. It’s only an interaction.

Have FUN. And If you want MORE fun…

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Always Do This When Approaching Women IV

By Dan Santiago

Screen Shot 2016-12-09 at 19.37.44She laughs ——> good.

She doesn’t even turn to face you ——> leave her, not worth it.

She challenges back ——> “I want to meet your grandma”, or “She and I would be friends” then you have to comment back. “ I don’t think so, she’d hate someone else having shoes that resembles hers” or something like that.

That’s part of YOUR game.

Of a skill you develop. Which is ever evolving, ever changing.

So keep upgrading your skills, be a student.

Invest in Yourself.

Then after saying that you keep on adjusting your body language to her and her responses.

You will notice that If she’s laughing, if she’s listening, if she’s staying put…

She’s Interested

Always be present, avoid getting in your head about: “ does she like me” or getting too self conscious about your body language, this may lead to over play your coolness and become sloppy.

Screen Shot 2017-01-25 at 23.23.19Relax, remember that your mindset is having fun and meeting a new woman, a hot, dazzling sexy chick, it’s all congruent with your mindset…

So avoid going to your head and start projecting her as an ideal girlfriend, wife or whatever… she’s a person, that you are just getting to know, that happens to be super hot, and that’s it…

She has to meet your standards… you cannot just bypass all your settings because she’s hot… you do it once, she’ll sense that and you are friend zone material… so listen close…

You Are The Selector

That has to be your mindset… ALWAYS

Every time you speak to her, look her in the eye, piercing eye contact. As if she was the finest piece of pussy on the planet… however,

When she speaks to you, don’t look at her <—– look away. But DO Listen intently, because she’ll give you the clues on what to speak to her about, stuff that will always be providing more conversation, and the way you leverage that information will determine how the interaction will go from there.

I must address something that always turn up screwing the man’s game and that’s his attachment to the outcomes…


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Always Do This When Approaching Women III

Ukrainian-beautyBy Dan Santiago

Bet you are having an awesome week, sharing all the adventures and the stories about hot sweet and amazing women and about black or pink lingerie being tossed to your face during the weekend.


We’ve talked about approaching a lot so far, deconstructing the perfect cold approach.

The cold approach will not be effective all the time and most of that can be perfected calibrating to the context.

Context can be used enormously to help you leverage your conversation to the outcomes that you want.

Contexts like a nightclub will provide some elements that a supermarket, for instance, cannot.

At a nightclub you can be blatantly honest and direct talk about sex and it will give you good results. Not quite so at the supermarket.

Calibration is key.

You are walking towards her, full of confidence as we already covered, then …

You touch her BEFORE speaking a word to her.

She already knows you are approaching, so if you talk to her without “letting her know you arrived” she might play hard to get – which is part of her game –

Back to yours.

Screen Shot 2016-12-09 at 19.39.58You touch her before you say a word, ideally her arm/lower back. That way she’ll be more receptive to your approach.

Her belly will be perceived as much more invasive… avoid that area…

Not too much of her upper back, which will sub communicate insecurity, which will make you safe to her eyes ( meaning you won’t spark attraction ) so grab her, gently, but firmly from her arm or waist/lower back…

Don’t let your hand linger too much tho… just enough to grab her attention so she will listen to you…


You don’t need to leave her arm all bruised up either, but no limp grabbing here. And then look at her in the eyes, penetrating gaze, and don’t let go of that look, and when you are looking at her in the eyes and she’s is there, in that moment of trance… you speak…

You lock eyes with her and don’t let them go. Let her disengage the eye contact first.

And the first phrase that will pop out from your mouth is a comment, a statement.

Not a question.

Not a pick up line.

Not sweet talk.

A comment of what is going on at THE MOMENT.

I prefer commenting about something she’s wearing. Because she may not BE at the moment, but she’s definitely aware of her shoes.

I always comment on her shoes. Women are very sensitive about shoes.

I prefer them very slutty and high heels. Or any other pair of shoes that shows her feet and toes – personal preference also.

I would comment-praise her slutty, high heel shoes, and then comment about how slutty her shoes are —> you can go with sexy pair of shoes… she will definitely respond positively ( that was her intention when she bought them… and then with a smirk I prefer them sluttier tho… ( take away)

Or another comment would be: “Hey I really love those shoes” – you praise her on her choice of shoes – “I love the color” – you praised her for the second time –  They remind me a pair my grandma used to have” – You take away all the praising with a joke. <——- but you don’t laugh at your joke.




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3 Tips To Have A Badass Relationship

Screen Shot 2016-12-09 at 19.51.18By Dan Santiago

Yo, Badass… Want A GREAT Relationship?


Here, down in the southern Hemisphere…

Sun is hot… it’s scorching…

But the landscape gets better… you see a lot of women wearing much less clothing which is interesting…

Yet distracting, lol

Because we are on purpose

We need to carry on our mission and get the driver so we need no distractions…lol…

So, Today…

I’m going to give you three tips on how to have a kickass relationship with any woman.

If… you want a relationship…but first I’m going to tell you a story…

So I’m with having a few drinks with one of my buddies…he recently broke up with his couple, with his girlfriend.

They were living together for about two years now.

He said that she started to demand a lot of things from him…

1423701257461He’s an entrepreneur… he has a restaurant and he just opened the second one… he wants to set up a franchise…

So he’s overwhelmed by work and the girl back at home, according to him… she’s not showing him support.

She’s demanding a lot of things. But basically more time.

So, they started to have a lot of arguments and they finally ended their relationship.

The thing is, first, if you are a man of purpose and I know you are… duh!…you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t…

You gotta have a relationship with a woman that will support your purpose or your mission.

And that’s “Key”

Napoleon Hill wrote in “Think and Grow Rich” that your woman will make or break you…

So if you’re NOT with the right woman and you start to comply with her requirements… with her demands.

You’re going to lose.

Your both are going to lose… and man I don’t want that for you…

Untitled design(11)The second thing…

The way that you react to her requirements is also key…

Apparently and I would need to talk to his girlfriend about this, but,

Apparently he started to act emotional about this.

And that thing is not going to be useful.

Actually it’s going to be detrimental to the relationship or any relationship you may have…

And the third thing is that you’ve got to realize that women changed after birth control…

And men they still think that women want the white picket fence, to have children and to have family and all that kind of stuff.

But the thing is that women after birth control pill they uncovered their hypergamic nature even more…

The hypergamic nature of women means that they’re always gonna be looking for the most suitable partner to breed their children.

So if she’s complaining about the behavior, of my buddy in this case… or if a woman, a good woman, is complaining about the behavior of her man…

It’s because she’s not seeing him charging on his path as much as he could.

She’s NOT seeing what she envisioned at some point in their relationship.

So she’s giving all these shit tests because she wants him… but she wants him to keep on growing and apparently…

He is not

He’s growing his business.

He’s growing his income but he’s not growing himself…

He drinks more than ever, he does his share of drugs, has put on more weight than ever… and women will want the whole pack.

He keeps hanging out with his usual friends…

…but if your friends are always bringing coke to the place on the regular… she might eventually get upset by this because well… shit’s illegal…and it f*cks you up…
That will get men bugged out a lot … mad about it…

“She’ was OK with it at the beginning… and then she changed…”

Well… that is how women are. They are kinda safe gamblers…


If you want to have a relationship and you’re on purpose.

img_coupleYou want to make sure she is the kind of woman that will support you and your purpose.

If she doesn’t, you leave her and that’s it and you don’t ever look back.


You must realize that her shit tests are a way to challenge you…

Maybe because she’s not seen you grow as much as she imagined you would…

And the other thing is because of her hypergamic nature she’ll always want a better suited partner and if she’s not been bearing your kids yet it’s because she’s not sure of you…

Because motherhood is impregnated in her genes…  women are in charge of perpetuating the specie.

So if you are SURE you Have A Good Woman

And she’s shit testing you.

If if she’s bugging you… bitching you… it may be because that you’re not growing…

Maybe you’re not taking charge. You are not leading HER.


The third thing is that you cannot react emotionally to her shit tests…

Better analyze where they are coming from because the blame must be on you because you’re not charging hard on your path…

As I know you can.


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Divorced Men: Live The Life You Want And Have The Women You DESIRE

By Dan Santiago

My wife converted me into religion.
I never believed in hell until I married her
– HAL ROACH American Director

Despite it can sound very funny, you and me know it’s,



Screen Shot 2016-12-09 at 19.51.58You didn’t come up here to get lame ass quotes and shallow advice.
No, the journey of life continues, and marriage was only a step.
Enough of excuses, enough of living your life to meet someone else’s expectations.
Life goes on and here we are determined, we have a mission to accomplish, a huge vision for ourselves and our future.
Goals are about to be met, pussy about to get pounded, Life to get ravished by US.
Starting today,

Let’s start at the beginning.

With the BASICS
With your mind’s eye visualizing your tasks for today.
See yourself charging hard at them.

With energy, purpose and awesome fucking love.

F_200705_May22Corin_255977aGo there and greet your loved ones and let them know – by your presence and radiance – that you are there for them. Look at them in the eyes and connect to their souls by your deep penetrative glance. Reward them with your best smile.
The authentic smile comes from the eyes. Not from the mouth – Trust me, I’m an Oral Surgeon…

Your eyes, will communicate them how lucky and grateful you feel to have them in your life. Your words can confirm that, if you want to say them. And by all means do express.

If somehow at this very moment you are all by yourself, go and look at your reflection in the mirror. Take a good look at yourself. Look into your eyes. There that’s it. Connect with yourself.
Every morning, of every day.
There, is the single most important person you have to focus on.
Your folks are important, your family, kids, wife, GFs are important, but you in order to give  all your heart and guts for them, as I know you would, you first have to give that for yourself.
You have to be your focus, and I say this plain and simple
abundance-mentality-3BE SELFISH
Not self centered, selfish.
That’s right
Because things work out more like on an airplane in case of an emergency.

You have to put your oxygen mask on FIRST before you help anyone else.

You have to focus on yourself first.
And if you are a busy father, an over scheduled freelancer or a big executive on a big company, you ‘ll have to focus on yourself first, while performing all your other duties at the highest level.

If you are a father your kids will absorb all that you’ll ever show to them.
Consciously or Unconsciously they will integrate on them everything that there’s in you.
Your character strong or weak, your personality wins and flaws.


What do you really want to teach your kids ?
What do you want to leave as a legacy to them ?

I thought so.

You are your most important task.
This is all about YOU man.

This is your Hero’s journey.

So take it easy on yourself, for now, patiently give yourself a pat in the back…

Because You are here, taking action, betting on yourself and taking charge. Ninety nine percent of Men never work on themselves to upgrade their value.

Now that you are here, keep on taking action… Stop Stopping!

By all means marry; if you get a good wife
You’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become
a philosopher. – SOCRATES.


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Warning: Change This Attitude Before You Grow Old Alone And Broke

photoBy Dan Santiago
Morning is enchanting us with this clean air and sweet sunrise.
I love mornings, they are a whole new start, they are a whole new chance.
A chance to change it all around, if you put your mind into it. And take massive action.
I used to hate mornings and I’d do whatever it took me to sleep during morning hours,
because there was a time in my life I didn’t have any appreciation for simple things, that we take for granted.
And I didn’t have any discipline to get my ass out of bed and start grinding and milking Life’s tit for my own pleasure, enjoyment and benefit.
Because Life will hand out the those huge titties, but you have to earn them. And you do that by being purposeful, hard working and disciplined. Grateful.
And that’s the key. There are so many things we take for granted everyday, that sometimes we burst into fury flames when things don’t turn out the way we wanted.
The way we wanted things isn’t necessary the way we planned them.
When you plan your days, your schedule to get shit done … to succeed at work, with women, in business, you need a plan, you need a mindset and you need to take action.
That’s when you are lined up with Life to start getting your own, to start to succeed and achieve your goals.
But sometimes things, no matter how thoroughly we planned them, don’t turn out the way we wanted.
Sometimes it rains in your parade, we are in that kind of planet.

Man Plans, God Laughs – Dan Peña

When we were babies, we had a a weapon to get what we wanted, we could throw a tantrum, cry and we’d get the tit in our mouths when we were hungry, change us up when we were covered in our own shit, and have somebody to put us in a nice cozy bed when we were tired.
maxresdefaultOnce people grow up, they get the tantrum part out, but the mindset stills the same. And people develop a milder form of tantrum ——-> complaints.


Complaining obeys the same causes. We want something to be different and when it isn’t, we complain. We think that by doing that things will change.

And that can’t be further from the truth.
And it is an amazingly powerful, addictive and unconscious manner to fuck up our lives and the ones that surround us.
Complain is the complete dislike for all that Life’s delivering you at the given moment, it signals that you are unhappy about your life.
When one’s is complaining can’t really focus on all the success that has happened for the person to be there, standing, healthy, living AND complaining.
Complaining throws out a massive dose of negative energy – of pessimism – and it permeates and resonates with others around and suddenly now we have a myriad of people who are now NOT happy about the gifts Life reserves for each one of them.
Everything about Your Life is Success. The way you walk, the way you think, the beating of your heart, the breathing in your lungs … evolution has perfected all these bodily functions for you to be here.

Complaining is a muscle.

As a result, it develops silently until you are only happy when a series of circumstances are at your level… if you ever get there.

If there is one stupid-life-sucking-annoying-habit-of-mental-waste is complaining about the weather. That’s raining, that’s too hot, too cold, it’s such an ugly day … Think about it.

Do you remember the last time you were on a hot day? I bet you started to fall to the hypnotic rhythm of complain.. how did you feel? suddenly everything sucked for you I bet.

You cannot change the weather, so why bother. Neither change circumstances that are out of your control. Not to even mention people…  no matter how hard you try.
The one thing you can change is yourself, meaning your attitude, your habits, your goals.
Accept things that you cannot change. Be grateful for what you have.
Accept and release. Let go.
Don’t be that guy who’s only verbal input to the world is a form of complain.
Be the inspiring, magnetic Badass. Start being grateful for all you have, and accept the things you cannot change.

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These 4 Traits Are Robbing You The Women You Want – Don’t Be This Guy

By Dan Santiago

Don't Be This Guy

Hi there You amazing, charming & charismatic Badass

Today we are awakening
Today we take massive action on our vision, our bold Life, our awesome skin and all that cleavage that is so distracting
Because we can, most man don’t even try.
Some men out there have always had terrible outcomes with women.
They have sucked at it, for more time that they remember.
The problem is that no matter how many times they fail in a relationship or in an “almost” relationship, they don’t reflect the problem in themselves.
They are so deep in the belief that money, looks and fame are important for the attraction and  relationship itself, that all they do is get more money, get more clothes, buy that car, show off.
And they are also so deep inside their paradigms,  that the only thing they want is to get married, start a family, have kids, the white picket fence and all the rest.
They almost sound like things a girl would want.
And don’t get me wrong, it is good to want those things. It’s is good to strive to get for yourself the things that you want in Life.
But they are not selective, they over invest and pursue relationships that they are not for them.
Why would you date a woman that smokes if you are NOT into cigarettes ?
They are so desperate in the getting of women that they bypass all their preferences, they sacrifice all they stand for, and even though they are foolish enough to think that can change the girl to become more suitable for them.
This is called small segments relationships, where the person takes a trait of the other person and magnifies it, until that’s all it sustains the relationship. i.e. common case when women who are constantly beaten up by their partners remain with them because he “says he loves her”
In order to have real relationships with women of your choice, first ( and very obvious ),

They Got To Be Of Your Choice

Be selective.
Although it’s hard to say that to men who are desperate and always doing the chase.
So what gives ?
im-6I’ll tell you in a minute,
First we are going to analyze a case study. And what you should never EVER do.
A friend of mine ( a friend with benefits of course ) told me this story.
She was contacted by this dude she new from High School.
And she, a successful, high quality woman, gets hits by guys day and night, left and right.
She told me this story, about this other guy, a lawyer, a DA – a guy anyone would classify as a successful man – that he initially contacted her on FB ( they knew each other from high school ) so they could go together to this concert ( Lollapalooza)
If you’ve ever been at Lollapalooza, you know that it’s a multiple stage-whole-day-show.
She told him they could meet at the concert.
He spot her at the venue and stayed the whole day with her, and watched all the bands and artists that she went to see – ignoring his own musical preferences –

He Put Her On A Pedestal

After the concert he started regular communication with her – and she’s just playing nice – and he started downloading and listening to the music she liked.
So She Could Notice That, So She Could Like Him For That. <—needy and desperate, with NO sense of self worth.
Then this guy – with the aid of his connections as a DA – found out her address and sent her flowers.
Plainly stocking her and disregarding her privacy. < ——-desperate ? you bet … creepy ? of course.
93-guido-gangsta_thumbHe then called her to meet her – she went so she could confront him about the invasion of her privacy which he, once with her, deflected and joked about –  he waited for her on a private lounge, with a present and all this adornments he demanded to the place, so it could be a perfect romantic evening.
Waaaay too needy, creepy and over invested.
At the dinner he even started with criticism about why she dressed sexy like that, that it was not appropriate for her position in the University she worked at Or why did she have so many male friends, or why she smoked cigarettes.
He even tries to influence her to change … enough said
He then kept sending gifts, to her address, until she stopped answering his messages, unfriend him on FB, and actually felt quite scared about what else this creepy guy could try to do with the power that he had as being a DA.
The lesson here is this…


In order to be a complete Badass with women, get yourself up from the failures in life, marriage included, you have to learn what works, and definitely unlearn what doesn’t.
But to have an amazing life, and have the outcomes that you want you need copious amounts of Self Love.
That will attract the women you want.
That will allow YOU to be the SELECTOR, allow you to be chased, allow you to be have several girlfriends and enjoy all the emotions and Love women can provide to the man who knows how to deal with them.
Love and trust Yourself. Invest in Yourself
Be the Selector

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How To Get through Divorce – Men: Do It Fast, Happy & Going Lucky In 5 steps

What do you say to a recently divorced man,

how to get through a divorce

“Hey man up man, suck it up …”

“You’ll be better off without her”

“Take it easy man, this too shall pass”

Well, a recently divorced man would just nod his head and acknowledge your remarks …
But for himself he’s just telling you to shut the f*ck up.

Divorce Ain’t Pretty

Neither break ups of long term committed relationships …but there are two key elements that put divorce at the pinnacle of human relationship ruptures, just second to funerals.

Lean a bit closer so you can read it better …

First one is the obvious legal frame and the money expenditure. Which is a mess. If the couple didn’t get a prenup, there will be blood.

It also depends on how the break up was framed. If there can be civilized communication, no grudges held,  and acceptance of the situation by both parties, then the chances for a healthy transition from marriage to divorce, is much more fluent.


defeatedMany times it’s just not the case. And as a well oiled machine, friends, peer pressure, the whole society and divorce attorneys not only stir this emotional, grieving cauldron of misery that the now, ex-couple, have to deal with … some make a considerable profit from it.

Marriage and the hard and unpaved path of divorce, at the way we can see it nowadays, is an industry by itself.

Everything that surrounds that dreamed, theatrical and magical night has a price.

From the diamond ring, to the flowers, banquet, church ( or synagog, mosque, )  rental fees …According to research firm IBISWorld Wedding industry revenues are expected to exceed $50 billion in the U.S. this year.

It adds – “The wedding industry has grown substantially throughout the 20th century in part due to the rise of consumerism and industry efforts to commodify love and romance”

According to a study released by Andrew Francis and Hugo Mialon, Professors in the Department of Economics at Emory University in Atlanta, the more you spend on an engagement ring and wedding ceremony, the shorter the marriage.

Same for the amount couples spend on the wedding, spending more than $ 20,000 on a wedding (excluding the cost of the ring) are 46% more likely than average to get divorced.

Bridezilla equals Divorcezilla

Researchers estimate divorcing individuals would need more than a 30% increase in income, on average, to maintain the same standard of living they had prior to their divorce.

But laying money aside, and the concepts of romantic love and marriage, the second reason, the one that probably devastates the person much more than the money and love loss is the altered perception of the Self.

A marriage is a commitment, and it’s extremely powerful for three reasons: the commitment itself, the second because it’s done in front of witnesses and the third reason is because it’s a written commitment.

indexThe principle of Commitment of Consistency is a powerful behavioral principle that has been with human kind ever since we had gills.

Consistency is something we do in order to spare our brains to go over the thousands of decision making events we face every day.

According to Dr. Robert Cialdini in his book Influence, consistency is powerful a motive.

Inconsistency is always seen as a bad personality trait to have, the person whose beliefs, words and deeds don’t match may be seen as indecisive, confused, two faced, or even mentally ill.

On the other side, high levels of consistency are perceived and associated with people of high intellect and personal strength.

Without consistency our lives would be difficult, erratic and disjointed.

Like most other forms of automatic responding, it offers a shortcut through the density of modern life.

Once we have made our minds about an issue, stubborn consistency allows us some luxuries … we really don’t have to think about those issues anymore.

The automatic response mechanism start to take over.

We don’t have to spend the mental energy required to analyze the information, the pro’s and con’s about something, we don’t have to decide anything anymore.

All we have to do is press play and we know what to believe, say or do.

Whatever that is, while being consistent with what we’ve already done and committed to do.

But as consistency can prove itself to be a powerful dictator of human behavior, is the commitment, that sets the wheels in motion.

As Cialdini writes “Once an active commitment is made, then, self-image is squeezed from both sides by consistency pressures.

From the inside, there is a pressure to bring self-image into line with action.

From the outside, there’s a sneakier pressure – a tendency to adjust to the way others perceive us.

And because others see us as believing what we have written (even when we’ve had little choice in the matter), we will once again experience a pull to bring self-image into line with the written statement” and as far as witnesses is concerned, he writes “the more public a stand, the more reluctant we will be to change it”.

So when a couple decides that the relationship is going nowhere, the person faces the harsh consequences of inconsistency.

All the dreams, the family, the white picket fence, and the happily ever afters, suddenly come crushing down and the self image that the person formed with that public, written commitment and molded through years of unconscious consistency is no longer available.

img5That pain, that severe separation from that self-image is what makes divorce an extremely hard experience.

That is also the reason why many couples, despite the fact that they may be completely dysfunctional, even in the presence of physical and emotional abuse, remain together.

Because appear inconsistent is much more terrifying than the actual departure from the relationship.

The disengagement of the self image that the person built is the responsible for the majority of the pain surrounding the experience of divorce.

And that includes the children which are the ones who are more deeply affected by the event.

But in order to be that supportive, present and loving father after the divorce, the persons has to help himself before helping others. Including his children, and by all means too, his ex-wife.

And that is Key.

When the old self image is shattered, the key is to frame, as quickly as possible, and resorting to all available tools, as an opportunity to develop a new, more successful, understanding, wiser and experienced self image.

And although this may sound easy, it is not.

But the person hasn’t got more choices.

Either does nothing and quietly accepts the downward pull of Life, or he stands up and fights with whatever means he has, if he wants a rewarding experience on this Rock.

Although it may sound ridiculous, the person has to address to our old pals: commitment and consistency.

Acceptance of the new situation, partnered with commitment to a new self-image, consistency on developing and molding this new self image, all seasoned with speed of implementation  and all framed as an opportunity to develop a richer, more fulfilling Life.

Fight-depression-35403600-400-265Divorce is a failure in all the meaning of the word, but the way the person frames the failure is also key.

The failure has to be framed as an opportunity.

There’s no point of delving in the past or in the goals that were once planned.

There’s no use for blaming the other party for the “wasted” time or undelivered plans and dreams.

The clock is ticking and there’s no time to waste.

We are only once in this planet orbiting through space, and experiences like a divorce, as hard as it could’ve been, can only teaches us how to become better, wiser and more appreciative of life and all its blessings.

All lessons must be learned.

The only frame of mind that is useful while digging in the past – which is not advisable, but unavoidable – is what can I learn from that experience, while being completely self centered, and this self centrism is because there’s no use learning about the experience itself, or about the partner at the time, but the only valuable – and better put – invaluable lessons, are the ones the person can learn about himself.

The path from divorce is hard, unpaved and uncomfortable, but depending on how the person reacts to it, it can be enlightening, empowering and fulfilling.

I salute all men who are transiting this hard road, because it takes guts to surrender to the metaphorical and ethereal modern concept of love and romance, it takes guts to commit to a marriage despite all the present evidence that 1 out of 2 couples won’t be together after three years, and it also takes guts to stand up, look at the reflection in the mirror, accept and learn how to love and appreciate unconditionally the guy looking back from the mirror … after all dreams, goals and manufactured concepts of love and family are, at least temporarily, turned to dust.


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